


Light as Bright as the Sun

by lol-phan-af (lol_phan_af)



Series: Details, Details (1-800-did-I-ask) [9]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Marriage, Multi, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 19:28:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11584656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lol_phan_af/pseuds/lol-phan-af
Summary: Hercules liked being romantic, liked doing soft things that made his love for them seem magnified. It hurt almost, how much he loved them, so similar to how it felt to fall in love, so different at the same time. Loving them was like watching your own house burn down while you sat in your bedroom and let it, subjecting to the burn it gave you, accepting how it suffocated you. Having them love him back felt like being rescued from the same fire, someone grabbing you back from the edge, and you finally see clearly again, you can catch your breath."You okay?" Alex asked. His hair was down now, fanning across Hercules' lap. The blush on his cheeks was rose pink, it just made him look sweeter. Hercules pressed a kiss to his forehead and he hummed happily. He looked up to see Lafayette and John, halting their dancing, waiting for his answer."I'm fine, just thinking about how much I love you."





	Light as Bright as the Sun

**Author's Note:**

> !!! this fic was based on [this song!! ](https://m.soundcloud.com/rowan-840627332/sun-shine) by @[comfortingclouds](comfortingclouds.tumblr.com) !! it's so good I'm love

Hercules sat on their bed, watching with a certain fondness as Alex sifted through the jewelry box Lafayette kept their earrings in. He knew Lafayette wouldn't mind, after twenty years they never have, but he still thought he should say something. Alex picked up Lafayette's mother's earrings, looked at them for a second before placing them gently back in. He picked out another pair, pale blue stones that went with their color scheme gleaming in the light of their bedroom, and put them in.   
  
"Do these look okay?" Alex asked as he turned to him, eyes wide. Hercules loved him so much it hurt.    
  
He held out his hand, pulled Alex closer when he took it. He wasn't dressed yet, still in a sweater and his boxers, and he was perfect. "You look gorgeous."    
  
"You're cute," Alex muttered, kissed him for good measure. Hercules smiled through most of it, but still tried to kiss back best he could.    
  
This was their first date in a long time, with work and their children there never seemed to be enough time to leave the house for three hours to go to Olive Garden and almost get kicked out for disrupting other tables every time, but tonight everyone was gone. Philip was at Theodosia's, and Frances took Ana to a poetry slam competition and wouldn't be back until late, so the night was theirs to do whatever they wanted with.   
  
"You look beautiful!" John called as he followed Lafayette out of their closet. The dark peacock blue fabric of their dress flowed behind them as they stormed out, hair tied in a bun at the back of their head.    
  
"I really don't think I can still wear this. I haven't worn it in a long time and I don't  _ look  _ the same way I did the last time I-"   
  
"Lafayette, oh my god," Alex breathed, leaving the space between Hercules' legs to pull them to him. Lafayette didn't look at him, eyes darting everywhere except one of the three faces they could never resist.    
  
"Alex."    
  
John wrapped his arms around Lafayette's waist as Alex kissed the base of their throat. "Have I ever told you I'm in love with you?"    
  
"Yes," they cradled Alex's face with one hand so Alex could feel the cold metal of their wedding ring against his cheek.    
  
"And you know I would never lie to you?" He raised his eyebrows. Hercules got up to take the hand not on Alex, kissing across their knuckles.    
  
Lafayette offered Hercules a small smile. "Yes," they answered Alex.    
  
"So if I tell you that you look gorgeous, and that we love you with all of our hearts and wouldn't trade you for the world?"   
  
"I love you too," they mumbled, and Hercules thought he was going to explode.    
  
"Are you alright?" He asked. "Like, seriously, you're usually pretty okay with this kind of stuff."   
  
"Yeah, it's just, I'm forty-three. I'm not the same shape I was last  _ week  _ let alone when this dress actually looked good on me and I just don't feel like aging. It's not something I want to be a  _ part of _ ." They nodded before continuing, "I'm over it. I'm quitting, accepting my deity statue and moving the fuck on."   
  
"And while that's something we all want to do, love," Hercules told them, "it doesn't feel like that's what's actually bothering you."    
  
"I hate you for knowing me so well."    
  
Hercules kissed their cheek. "You married me for a reason."   
  
"A good one," they kissed his hand and then sighed. "I feel like once you see me in all of the clothes I can't wear anymore, you'll be upset that I don't look the same way anymore, because I  _ don't _ . I love you all so much, and I don't want you to be upset or leave me or-"   
  
"Babe!" Alex stopped them. Lafayette took a shaky breath before turning their attention to him. "We love you no matter what you look like, and at this point we've pretty much seen it all."   
  
"Remember that time when you tried to grow a beard to see if it would match your hair texture?" John asked, delighted to feel the laughter bubble in their chest.   
  
"I do," Alex recalled, "my thighs were chafed for a fucking week after that." He giggled as Lafayette nudged him.    
  
"I'm being serious!"    
  
"So are we!" John said. "You're beautiful, you always have been, you always will be. We've been with you for twenty years-"   
  
"-and we've watched you grow even more stunning with each day that passes, whether you believe it or not," Alex finished.    
  
"If you don't want to wear the dress, though, that's okay," Hercules assured them. "We're not going to force you to do anything you don't want."   
  
"The color scheme, though."   
  
"You definitely have more clothes in that color, with the amount of shopping you do."   
  
Alex snorted. "Says the man who spent two hundred dollars on yarn because he couldn't chose a color, then ended up using all of it for Christmas."   
  
"I have no excuse."    
  
Alex grinned. "Love you though." He kissed Hercules' forehead, standing on his toes.    
  
"Love you too."   
  
"And I love all of you, but we," Lafayette gestured to themself, John, and Alex, "need to get dressed and go if we're going to make our reservations, and I need to fix my hair."   
  
"Right," Alex and John agreed, and then they were off to look in the closet again. Hercules watched them go, grinning. Whatever force of nature gave him the opportunity to be with them, marry them, be able to spend everyday of his life assuring them that they were just as beautiful as Hercules thought, he was eternally grateful to them,.    
  
It was a blur of fabric in blues and blacks and a wild rush of khaki before they were ready, and even then Lafayette walked out with fear in their eyes and hesitance in their steps.    
  
"Okay, is this better?" They smoothed down the skirt, adjusted the buttons on the sleeves.    
  
Hercules sat dumbly on the corner of the bed, amazed, managed to shake his head in a direction, not sure which one. "You looked perfect either way."   
  
"You are no help," they huffed, and Hercules beamed. "Not that I expected you to be. Alex and John said the same thing." They feigned annoyance, but their smile shone through their words, and Hercules' heart flipped over.   
  
"We're just being honest. You can't blame us."   
  
"Oh, I can do something." Lafayette walked over to him, high heels shuffling across the carpet. The nervousness from before was gone now as they sat on his lap and kissed him, and Hercules was more than happy to respond.    
  
"Aw, you two are so cute!" Alex exclaimed as he stepped out of the closet, shirt the same color as the earrings he stole from Laf.   
  
"You look so nice!" Lafayette squeaked, half dangling off Hercules' body.    
  
Alex curtsied, "Why, thank you."   
  
John stormed out behind him. "I told him he looks as lovely as he did on our wedding day, and he  _ argued _ , as if I'm  _ wrong _ about the beauty and grace that our Alexander radiates," he complained, flopping down on their bed. Alex blushed up to his ears, didn't like when they talked about him denying compliments.   
  
Hercules and Lafayette just stared at him for a while, eyebrows furrowed in matching concerned looks that had the implied " _ Honey... _ " without them needing to say it. Alex shifted, coughed.    
  
"It's not a big deal, it's not a thing to," he trailed off. "I don't want to think about it."    
  
"We love you," Hercules breathed, and Alex smiled.    
  
"I love you too."    
  
Their relationship was a lot of this, of insecurity and reassurance, and Hercules loved being able to help them through it. He was happy they helped him when he needed it. Hercules was happy in general, being with them, they made his life brighter just by being there, even when they were gone, the promise of seeing them again left a light as bright as the sun burning in his chest.    
  
"We're talking about this more when we get home, though," Lafayette told him.    
  
"It shouldn't bother me still, I should be over this. We shouldn't  _ have  _ to talk about it."   
  
"But we love you, and even if you  _ should  _ be over this, which is not true you can still feel this way no matter what, we want you to be happy and okay, because you're  _ amazing _ , we just want you to believe that," John assured him, and Alex walked to their bedroom door, still bright red.    
  
"We're gonna be late," he murmured, and they all nodded, rushing down the stairs with him.    
  
Hercules loved going on dates with them, but he couldn't wait to get home and tell Alex just how much he loved him, to whisper everything he loved about him into his skin and watch as a smile broke out across his face because it tickled. He loved everything about his spouses, and any chance to tell them that was one he took with honor.   
  
\---   
  
"I don't think that's healthy," John commented after Alex laid back on their bed, spine cracking, his neck making an even more sickening noise as he rolled it. They laid in their bed, waiting for Hercules and Laf to come in from the bathroom, almost too afraid to ask what they were doing in there for so long. The lights were off except for the lamp on Hercules' bedside table, bathing the room in a dim glow.    
  
"I'm old, John," Alex argued, sliding under the covers with him.    
  
"You're the youngest one out of all of us!" Lafayette called from the bathroom, quickly followed by Hercules telling them to stop moving unless they wanted to taste soap again.    
  
"They're right, honey," John whispered, grinning. His eyes were so beautiful, aged and tired, but looking into them felt like walking through a woodland forest, magical in its own right. He had little crow's feet forming on either side, but Alex just thought it made him cuter.  _ Cute _ . He was over forty and he still called his husband cute.    
  
"I love you," Alex blurted out, and John blinked.    
  
"I love you too?" He kissed his forehead. "Are you okay?"    
  
"Yeah, I'm fine. Can't I love you and be okay?"   
  
"Of course, I just worry."    
  
"You don't have to," Ale muttered, and John kissed him.    
  
"Ugh," Lafayette groaned, trudging into their room. "If I have to see one piece of glitter again in my entire life, I'm going to cry, then pass out, then drift off finally to an eternal rest." The collapsed in bed next to Alex, instinctively cuddling up to him. They made a cute noise and Alex laughed, leaning back into them.   
  
"Who knew helping Ana with a school project would be so hard?" Hercules asked, staring up at the ceiling. John turned back to kiss his jaw and he grinned.   
  
Lafayette whined. "My arms feel like they're gonna fall off. I can barely move them." They kissed Alex's shoulder to make a point.   
  
"I know," Hercules said, "I had to take your makeup off for you."   
  
"I love you," Lafayette told him.    
  
"I love you too, but I need to sleep. We need to sleep."   
  
Alex handed Laf his glasses and pulled John close to him, slotting their legs together. "Agreed."   
  
John let himself be pulled, kissing Alex's jaw once they were pressed against each other. Hercules rolled over and wrapped his whole body around John, nuzzling into his hair and nosing at the back of his neck. Lafayette squeezed Alex tighter, just enough that it made Alex feel warmer immediately, and he found himself drifting off much easier than he would usually. He felt content, for once, no place to go and nothing to do, just to fall asleep between the people he loved more than life itself.    
  
Alexander was almost asleep when Lafayette muddled voice from behind him went, "Silk sheets, silk sheets," and rubbed their legs on the fabric beneath them. Alex snorted and nudged them, warming up when they smiled and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before falling asleep seconds before him.    
  
He woke up lying on his stomach, someone's arm draped over his back, unable to see much ahead of him except the  **8:46** in bright red letters on their digital clock. It was Monday. They had to be at work by nine. He jumped out of bed, throwing on his glasses and trying to make a run towards the closet before the same arm that was on his back reached out and grabbed his wrist.    
  
"We don't have work today," Hercules reminded. "It's Flag Day."    
  
Alex relaxed and turned to him. "You could have work today, you just chose not to."    
  
"Would you rather I did go to work today?" he asked, lifting his face from the pillow to look at him, eyebrows knit together. Hercules' back muscles moved when he did, and Alex wanted to kiss every part of him.    
  
"No," he answered, then crawled back in bed. Hercules grinned a little bit to himself, Alex noticed, as he cuddled up to him. "I love you."   
  
Hercules kissed his temple. "I love you too."   
  
"Where is everyone else?"   
  
"Lafayette is taking the kids to school, John is downstairs making breakfast, and I am here loving you," Hercules replied, then kissed Alex's neck.    
  
Alex pulled Hercules so that he hovered over him, threaded his fingers through the back of Hercules' hair. "Thank you for not letting me wake up alone."   
  
"You don't have to thank me every time, Alex. I'm your husband, I would do anything for you." He kissed Alex again, this time on his jaw, then worked his way down. Alex pulled him back, kissed him slow and sweet and it felt like a dream, still.   
  
"As much as I would love to continue, John will kill us. He hates when we fuck while he's making food."   
  
Hercules laughed so hard he almost collapsed.    
  
"What? It's true!"    
  
"The fact that we've done it enough that it's a  _ thing _ , is so funny, sorry. I love you, though, and I would risk John's anger if I didn't love him just as much."   
  
"Fair and relatable."   
  
"We should probably go downstairs, though."    
  
"Fine, but you're cuddling me on the couch until we have to eat."   
  
"Deal."   
  
\---   
  
Lafayette danced with John in their living room, a slow song Hercules didn't recognize, and judging by the Spanish lyrics, neither did Lafayette. Alex laid in his lap and hummed the words, verging on the edge of being wine drunk, but not there yet. Lafayette twirled John and laughed, and Alex turned to watch them. It was beautiful, they all were, content to be in their own little world for the night.    
  
Hercules liked being romantic, liked doing soft things that made his love for them seem magnified. It hurt almost, how much he loved them, so similar to how it felt to fall in love, so different at the same time. Loving them was like watching your own house burn down while you sat in your bedroom and let it, subjecting to the burn it gave you, accepting how it suffocated you. Having them love him back felt like being rescued from the same fire, someone grabbing you back from the edge, and you finally see clearly again, you can catch your breath.   
  
"You okay?" Alex asked. His hair was down now, fanning across Hercules' lap. The blush on his cheeks was rose pink, it just made him look sweeter. Hercules pressed a kiss to his forehead and he hummed happily. He looked up to see Lafayette and John, halting their dancing, waiting for his answer.    
  
"I'm fine, just thinking about how much I love you."   
  
"We love you too," Alex smiled. Hercules returned it, wanted to kiss him but decided not to. Settled for pecking his nose, heart swelling at the way Alexander laughed when he did.    
  
"You know what we should do?" John asked, and Lafayette quirked an eyebrow. Alex was tipsy, and while Lafayette hadn't had as much, they were still in no state for what it looked like he was implying.    
  
"I'm for it," Alex slurred, but Hercules pulled him back down.    
  
"No, you are not," he argued. Alex sighed but didn't move otherwise.   
  
"I didn't mean have sex," John clarified. "I meant we should do our wedding dance again. We haven't done it in a while, and since Hercules is being so beautifully gross tonight," John twirled Lafayette and pulled them back so they were chest to to chest, "why not?"   
  
Alex sat up again, curling into Hercules' side. "I don't think I remember the steps. Normally, yeah, but I'm not  _ necessarily sober _ right now. I swear, dating Thomas and James again is amazing, but they have me on some kind of wine kick."   
  
"You're adorable," Lafayette whispered, and Alex flushed a little darker.    
  
"I mean it, though, I don't think I'd remember the steps."   
  
"Then let us guide you." Lafayette stepped away from John to pull Alex up from the couch while John pushed the coffee table against the couch. While Hercules got up, Alex kissed Lafayette quick, and then he pulled John to him so he could do the same. Hercules loved watching moments like these almost as much as he liked being a part of them, just to see how much love they gave each other, and know that that same love is extended to him, felt like a blessing.    
  
Falling in love felt like a curse, Hercules thought as John placed his hand on his shoulder. Hercules always felt like he was cheating on Elizabeth by thinking about them. He used to have dreams about them, just getting to love them, and he'd wake up crying knowing it would never happen. Elizabeth asked about it once, when they were still dating, and he made up a lie that now, he can't remember.    
  
"Are you sure you're okay? You look kind of out of it?" John questioned. Hercules moved without thought, everything a matter of muscle memory.    
  
"I used to have dreams about you," he admitted, loud enough to Alex and Lafayette could hear. They were about to switch. John spun and then Alex was in his arms, focusing on his feet on the ground. He'd never seen Alex this unsure about dancing. His hips still moved against Hercules' in a way that could kill him.    
  
John looked at him as they twirled past each other. "Really?"    
  
"Is it really that hard to understand, I mean, I remember having dreams about you, and I've lived out most of them," Lafayette said, smirking. John slapped their arm.    
  
"Not like that," Hercules told them, winking. Lafayette chuckled. "Like, dreams where we'd be eating breakfast together, or going to parks and stuff. They were basic, cheesy date dreams. I hated them, because it made me think of how much I wanted to be with you instead of Elizabeth, and now I have you, and I'm so happy. You make me  _ so happy _ . I'm so grateful that you let me be a part of your lives."    
  
With a move that almost felt practiced, Alex whirled out of Hercules' arms, but held onto one. Lafayette grabbed the other, and John ran into Hercules' chest.    
  
"It's not our lives," Lafayette muttered, "it's our  _ life _ . We've been living together for twenty years, married for fourteen years of that time. We have kids, we're  _ looking at vacation houses _ , we've had three different apartments with you, and we love you more than anything. You're everything to us, please don't ever feel like you're not."   
  
"And  _ tell us _ if you feel like that, we want to show you the same amount of love you show us, please  _ let us _ do that. We've been together for too long for you to keep feelings from us," John added, and all three of them nodded.    
  
"I know, I know. I guess I just slipped up, I'm sorry for making you worry."    
  
John kissed his forehead while Alex covered each of his cheeks. They dragged him up the stairs to their room, putting him in the center of the bed, a rarity. They crowded around him, John complaining that he couldn't reach from where he was.    
  
"You could always lay on top of me," Hercules offered, groaned as John dropped his entire weight on his stomach. He was not the man he used to be.    
  
In all honesty, though Hercules would never tell them this, he did feel left out of their life sometimes.   
  
He got to spend breakfast with them, listening to the meeting plans they had or watching with admiration as Ana and Alex coordinated their calendars. Listened as Lafayette listed things for John to put on the grocery list, saw as Philip tried to steal french toast sticks from Frances' plate and laughed under his breath as she smacked his hand away. He loved it, loved his family, and he wouldn't trade them or those moments with them for the world.    
  
Then, for eight hours a day, Hercules didn't see them. It was stupid, most people could handle their partners working somewhere else and didn't spend the entire day waiting until they were with them again. Hercules thought that maybe because he had three spouses, it was different. They had work lives separate from the ones at home, and they got to experience those work lives together, something Hercules would never be able to do.    
  
It didn't hurt as much anymore, but every text message he got when they were in a meeting, talking about holding hands under the table and then going back to one of their offices to just be with one another felt like a small pin was pricking his heart. Never enough to cause serious pain, but enough to sting. He shouldn't be jealous, he was happy that they loved their work and each other, but he felt left out.    
  
There was nothing they could do to change it, though, and it wasn't enough of a problem to bring up, so Hercules dealt with it. He loved them, and the eight hours they spent apart made coming home to them so much better. When they kissed the living daylight out of him, held him close and talked about how much they missed him, the pin pricks healed, and they didn't matter anymore.    
  
Hercules still wanted to be with them all the time. They made enough money to retire a little bit earlier than some people, and Hercules couldn't wait until that day. Every day to do whatever they wanted. Vacation homes and dates and  _ dogs  _ when they were ready to get them. Seeing the world and  _ going to France  _ like Lafayette wanted them to. They had almost half a lifetime left to do what they wanted to do with each other, and Hercules counted down the years in his head until then.    
  
There would come a day when that half of a lifetime would be over, and Hercules avoided that topic just as much as the rest of them. Their life was a one in a million chance and every odd was against them, but they got it, they loved their life, and they never wanted it to end.    
  
He didn't worry about this as much of the rest of them. Hercules never felt death so close to home that it turned his world upside down, never felt that fear. Lafayette tried to explain it to him once, but their heart became too heavy to speak, and Hercules spent the rest of the night holding them until they were okay. He never  _ wanted  _ to feel that scared, that hurt and pained, like every breath you took would shatter you. He never wanted to lose them.    
  
Hercules didn't worry like Lafayette did though, nobody did. Alex showed it sometimes, when he slipped and let them actually see just how much of a mess he was under his bedazzled planner, but nothing compared to Lafayette.    
  
\---   
  
"Are you okay?" Alex asked them. He didn't look real, like there was four of him and one of him at the same time, but the one of him was on a television screen that they were standing too close to. They were covered in sweat but they were freezing, someone's hands were on their shoulders, but they couldn't be Alex's. They were facing the wrong way.    
  
"No."   
  
This was stupid, it was  _ so stupid _ , having a panic attack at your daughter's  _ college graduation _ , but there were so many people and then someone was yelling and then they couldn't breathe anymore. Philip and Anastasie sat on the other side of Alex, peering over at them, concerned. They didn't deserve to have a parent who couldn't eve-   
  
"Do you want me to take you back to the car? It's quieter there. You don't have to stay here if you don't want to." It's still Alex talking. They nodded and Alex let them up. He told Hercules something and all they could feel was their legs filling up with static.    
  
"What did you say to Hercules?" They managed as Alex unlocked the car.   
  
"I said if we don't come back, make sure they tell Frances what happened, she'll understand my love."   
  
"I don't, I wanted to be there. I needed to-"   
  
"I know, I know," he assured, "but it's okay. This is only temporary, and you'll get back in time to see her."    
  
"I'm so proud of her? I can't believe I'm making a scene at her-" they didn't finish the sentence, grabbed Alex's hands. Alex let them, grazed his thumb over their knuckles.    
  
They  _ hated  _ when they did this. Lafayette liked to have their life under control, to not show that their anxiety ruled their life as much as it did. It was terrible, and it was bad, but most of the time they could keep it at bay. Now, however, when it was important that this  _ didn't happen _ , it hit them like a train.    
  
Alex started talking about Frances and Philip and Anastasie, and Lafayette responded. It faded, oxygen finding its way back into their lungs, Alex's beautiful face coming back into focus. God, they loved him, hated that he had to spend his time worrying about them and taking care of them.    
  
"Hey, hey," Alex said, made Lafayette look at them. "Whatever you're thinking right now, it doesn't matter."   
  
"What?"   
  
"You have that look in your eye. I know you, love, I know how to read you."   
  
"I'm  _ sorry _ that you have to do this. I'm an adult, Alexander, you don't need to-"   
  
"Lafayette, taking care of you is practically my second nature at this point, it doesn't bother me and I'm not annoyed by it, by  _ you _ . I married you for everything you are, and I love you unconditionally, there are no exceptions. There never will be."   
  
"I feel disgusting."    
  
"I know," Alex said, then climbed into the third row of seats and took a bag from the trunk.    
  
They unzipped the bag, staring at all of the clothes and water bottles in it. "You keep this back there?"    
  
"I come prepared. I know that you never anticipate your attacks, so I compensate."   
  
"I'm really sweaty, but can I kiss you? Not for long, I'm still getting my lungs back."   
  
"Of course."    
  
Alex's lips were soft, felt like home and everything warm and Lafayette loved him. He knelt over them, almost falling on Lafayette. They reached out to steady him, broke away once they felt what was underneath his dress pants.    
  
"Are you kidding me?"   
  
"Frances said she wanted to go to Olive Garden after! I'm not one to break tradition."   
  
"I love you."   
  
Alex kissed their forehead. "I love you too."   
  
\---   
  
It was late, around eleven, and Lafayette laid on their bedroom floor wondering when they started considering eleven o'clock  _ late _ . Hercules went to go get food because none of them wanted to cook, and Alex was on a date with James and Thomas.    
  
"Do you think they know how much we love them?" John held a picture frame in his hand, their wedding picture by the look of it, grazing the corner with one hand.    
  
"They married us," Lafayette choked. John curled up further in on himself and set the picture down.    
  
"Remember that one time forever ago, when Hercules and Alex went to see that movie, and we talked about all of those things, about being loved and stuff? How we felt so bad about not telling Alex and Hercules that we ended up telling them later that night, and they told us to stay there, came back with all of that chocolate and told us that they'd always love us until we d-"   
  
"I remember."   
  
It was after they got married, and John was kind of high on sleep deprivation and love and he missed Alex and Hercules in the short time they were gone. He started rambling about his father and the way he raised his siblings to try and live up to him. He never felt like a person, just a standard, and it made  _ being  _ a person even harder. Lafayette understood expectations, sole survivor of a bloodline, expected to carry on a legacy. They told John about it, the first person to ever hear the whole story, and John listened, the first person to do that, too.   
  
"I meant what I said, about you, Alex, and Hercules being the only people I've ever loved that make me feel the way I do, the way I still do. It's like being in a whole other world with you all, everything else is pointless if you're not with me."   
  
"John."   
  
"I never got to be loved like I am with you. It's like being in a fucking snowglobe, a whole other small world that people can see, but most likely will never be a part of. I love you so much."   
  
Lafayette jumped up from the ground, pulling John into a hug as soon as they could. John was crying, and Lafayette felt their heart shatter as his tears soaked into Lafayette's shirt. They loved him so much. They moved John backwards to their bed when their phone went off.   
  
"See who it is," John muttered. "It might be Hercules."   
  
**_little lion_ ** _ : !! hercules saw me trying to get a cab after my date and he's driving me home!! we'll be there in 15 mins _ _  
_ _  
_ "It's Alex," Lafayette answered, and John sniffed, smiled. "Hercules ran into him when he was picking up the food and they'll both be back in fifteen minutes."   
  
"Yay," John mumbled weakly, and Lafayette kissed his forehead.    
  
Hercules and Alex came home to John half asleep in the living room in Lafayette's lap.    
  
"Hey," Hercules greeted, voice quiet so he didn't wake John. It was midnight now, maybe past, and Lafayette was close to sleep themself. Alex walked in behind him, still in his suit from his date.    
  
"Hello, loves. Alex, you look cute. Are you gonna tell us about your date?" Is what they tried to ask, but all they heard were jumbled syllables escaping.    
  
Hercules kissed their forehead, "Go to bed, dear, we'll be up in a minute."   
  
"We," Lafayette attempted, nodded when it came out right. "We love you so much, we didn't know what it was like to be loved so purely until you came into our lives. I'm so happy I met you both, you have no idea. Me and John are so lucky to have you."   
  
"We're the lucky ones," Alex told them, and Lafayette shook their head. "Come on, let's go to bed."    
  
Lafayette fell asleep with Hercules behind them and their arms wrapped around John, Alex on his other side, facing them, peacefully asleep. They were more aware than seconds ago, the walk up the stairs waking them up.    
  
"We didn't have the best night."   
  
Hercules kissed the back of their neck. "I figured."   
  
"It was fine for most of it. Remember that one night when you and Alex went to see that movie, and you came back and me and John were crying in our bed because we didn't deserve you?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"Part two."    
  
"Oh, love, I'm sorry, do you want me to do anything? Can I do anything?"   
  
"Kiss me, and then keep cuddling me until we fall asleep?"   
  
Hercules did just that.   
  
\---

John stared at himself in the mirror and Alex braided his hair. Everything about the day was soft, their house empty except for the four of them, so many sweaters it made John's head spin, so much hot chocolate that he would never need to drink it again. They were being gentle with him on purpose, and John loved it almost as much as it made him uneasy.    
  
Two letters came with his name on them yesterday, both from his old house in South Carolina. The first one was a letter from someone John had long since forgot, detailing the heart attack and following death of Henry Laurens Sr., the second was a letter explaining that John was written out of his will, and therefore would receive nothing, and his body would be left to his eldest daughter, Martha.    
  
"This is disgusting," Martha told him later that day. "I want him gone, John, I don't to deal with this."   
  
"I know. I was thinking you could forfeit the responsibility, make someone else who cared bury him."   
  
"Nobody else  _ cared _ , John. He was a dick to everyone, there will people dancing on his grave the second they refill the hole."    
  
"I would be one of them if I wasn't  _ banned  _ from the funeral."   
  
"Fuck. David and Martha are gonna have to come with me, I don't know how I'm going to do this without them. I don't  _ want  _ to do this with them."   
  
"I get it. When Dad first came back, twenty years ago, I was fucking terrified. I never wanted Alex, John, or Hercules to know anything about  _ him _ , let alone meet him, but I wasn't given the choice. He's dead, Martha, he can't do anything now."   
  
"He's dead, John, he banned you from his funeral, outed you to our entire hometown, and cut you out of his will."   
  
"I can deal with that. Can you deal with this?"   
  
Martha nodded and stood up, leaving John alone at the table.   
  
"Hey, what're you thinking about?" Alex asked him, leaning down to kiss the crown of his head.   
  
"My ass is numb and I'm too old for this."   
  
"You're timeless to me," Alex sang and John  _ hated  _ him, kissed the ring on his own finger to contradict his own statement.   
  
"You don't have to be so soft with me, you know. I'm almost middle aged, I don't need this."   
  
Alex laughed. "Just because you're old doesn't mean you have to curl up in a ball and become a Republican, you can still do this."   
  
"I love you."   
  
"I love you too."   
  
Hercules and Lafayette came back into the apartment as Alex finished the braid, both of them standing up to go downstairs.    
  
"You go," John nodded towards the door. "I'll be down in a minute."   
  
"Are you sure? I don't mind."   
  
John smiled. "I know you don't, now go." Alex studied him for a moment before leaving, knowing he should probably stay, but not wanting to make John upset.    
  
He stared at himself in the mirror for a long time, soft yellow sweater down to his mid thighs. It was Hercules' sweater, far too big for him, came down over his hands and gave him sweater paws. He wasn't wearing pants, boxer shorts with little bees on them invisible from the mirror, but John knew.  
  
His dad would've fucking hated this, hated anything even remotely feminine. John barely owned anything that resembled an actual  _ sweater _ until he met Alex, Hercules and Lafayette along with him, and John would always be grateful for them, for being the ones to let John be himself for the first time in his entire life.    
  
John never liked to think about his dad, wanted to separate his past from his present and future as far as they could be, but sometimes the thoughts crept into his mind, as he watches Lafayette, Hercules, and Alex make dinner, that this is the life he always wanted, and it's the one his father would've never let him have.    
  
John stared at the ring on his left hand. His father would have hated it more than anything else. It would've been the final straw, if he'd seen John  _ now _ , a promise to three people who he loved more than anything else to stay with them forever, abandoning all hopes and dreams that Henry Laurens had, shattered.    
  
He came back to his senses. His life was not dedicated to disappointing Henry Laurens. He didn't devote twenty years of his life to people just so his father would be mad. He did it because he loved them, more than anything else, and if he had to sacrifice everything for them, he would. He did.    
  
Henry Laurens might be safe in his grave, or whatever Martha ended up putting him in, but John would be the one who slept the soundest.    


**Author's Note:**

> !! this is not edited and I Apologize for its faults
> 
> !!! this fic was based on [this song!! ](https://m.soundcloud.com/rowan-840627332/sun-shine) by @[comfortingclouds](comfortingclouds.tumblr.com) !! it's v good i'm love


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